Lonely, Alone or Both?

The virus has forced many of us into isolation. Social distancing has become the norm. Hugs, pats on the shoulder, even elbow bumps seem a distant memory. We yearn for some togetherness. We are lonely. Ironically, we were that way even before the virus. In fact, it appears that even before the pandemic, we had an epidemic of LONELINESS in this country.

What has happened in our society that so many people feel alone, disconnected, with no sense of community in their immediate environs? Certainly loneliness is nothing new. It’s actually a very normal part of life, and it hits some more than others at certain life stages. I remember a college professor 50 years ago conducting a longitudinal study on the subject in which he researched various age groups. He concluded that college students were among the most lonely. At the time, as a college freshman, fresh off the farm, I certainly identified with that.

Other studies have approached the subject from different vantage points. Like the Holt-Lunstad study, considered to be a landmark in this area. It looked at three groups of people: those who were socially isolated from other people; those who described themselves as very lonely; and those who lived alone. The study pooled evidence from 70 different studies and over 3 million people for a period of seven years. In all three situations, regardless of age or circumstance, each of these groups had an increased risk of an early death. It didn’t even matter whether the participants were healthy at the time of the study. Bottom line, it appeared that those who are more socially connected live longer.

For someone whose longevity goal is 120, that makes me sit up and take notice.

Loneliness takes a toll, not only on our emotions but on our physical well being. In fact, there is actual physical pain associated with being lonely. Stephen Cole, a professor of medicine, psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences at UCLA School of Medicine, found molecular differences in people who were lonely. Their white blood cells appeared to be in a state of high alert, responding the way they would to a bacterial infection. They were battling a disease — the disease of loneliness.

To be sure, loneliness means different things to different people. Put in the context of all the restrictions the current pandemic is requiring, one wonders where we all are on the loneliness scale.

But that also got me thinking about the difference between loneliness and solitude. The differences between the two are striking. Almost like two ends of a continuum.

At one end is loneliness, a painful feeling of being alone and not seeing any alternatives or hope. Take many residents of nursing homes, especially now during the pandemic, their lifelines to family cut off. Their feelings of depression and desperation may be almost as much to blame for the deaths as the virus itself.

At the other end of the continuum is solitude — a state of aloneness that is not damaging but rather empowering, where joy can actually be found and in so doing open doors to creativity, spirituality and healthy wellbeing.

I’m guessing most of us fall somewhere in between, and maybe even move along that continuum depending on our circumstances at any given time. I have to admit, I have actually appreciated some of this extra time to myself.

Would I like a steady diet of it? Absolutely not. One day this week I spent the day entirely alone in my home. The next day I provided music for the funeral of a fellow parishioner and “played” in the dirt, helping our local garden club spruce up the community gardens.

But how do we cope with loneliness? How do we turn it into something positive or even an aloneness we value. Maybe it’s like time. It needs to be managed, and the answers lie within but also outside ourselves. When we’re lonely it seems we can think of no one but ourselves and how bad things are for us. But one only has to look a little beyond our noses to find someone with deeper and harsher struggles. I was struck by a television interview with a young woman struggling to explain the loss of her catering business due to the pandemic. In a tearful and emotional account, she talked of the challenges and hopelessness. How does she cope, she was asked. Simply, she said, with the love of my husband and my faith in God.

Maybe that’s the key. We are not alone. We can never forget that. The social connections we have bind us together. They give us solace, strength and support. But we must also look inward, whether it’s through prayer, meditation or just being quiet for a time to find that we too have strength we didn’t know was there.

And when we do that, we step outside our own misery. We notice others, we empathize, we help where we can and tell others they are not alone. Perhaps it is in helping others deal with their loneliness that we battle our own.